Bloganuary: What could you do differently?

This one is really kind of vague. Do I get a do over on some aspect of my past? Do I figure out some day to day task that could be more efficient? Is it social interaction, some way of behaving that would be more self-assured or diplomatic? My appearance? Do I speculate on a possible change in style? I am not sure what to pick here. (So I will do all of them I guess?)

Most of my do overs involve some variety of “I wish I hadn’t given in and done something that I knew would be a Bad Idea. For instance: I would undoubtedly be a much more happy person if I had been more careful about the schools/courses I initially picked. Another do over: I should have held firm on not dating L. We were absolutely not suited for each other and L had the native common sense of a brain-damaged squirrel. (Also as it turns out, I am gray ace.) There is actually a fairly endless list, but these are possibly the two major ones.

I have difficulties with getting started on and completing projects. This includes everything from chores to my writing to every other aspect of my life. I have been attempting to create various routines and systems with which to manage the issue but it’s an ongoing process with lots of setbacks. (In fact, I am currently working with a therapist to work on these problems/relearn methods I was already using but needed a refresher for.) I am slowly attempting to get more organized, and making sure that I have reminders of things that need to get done. So far, it’s somewhat helping, though I occasionally get stuck at the bottom of a hole I’ve dug for myself. (The hole of “but I can’t do the thing until I complete all the steps and there are so many steps so I might as well not do the thing because of all the steps.” Very annoying!)

I am not great at social interaction. I am not really great at being diplomatic. I miss social cues and I can’t read people or the room accurately. I also have some sensory/auditory processing issues that mean that sometimes, I will miss an entire conversation because I don’t understand a single word of it. Sometimes, I can’t respond quickly enough some something that was said, and I get the other person annoyed with me. Sometimes, I don’t really have anything to say, or can’t say anything at all. I would like to change these things, or find work arounds for them. (And this is something that I’m working on.)

I do not have a problem with my appearance or sense of style. There is very little I would change about it. Other people however have had a problem with my appearance and it has been very stressful. Example: I do not wear makeup. I do not wear make up because it feels gross. I do not like make up because it feels like an oily slimy second skin that is going to suffocate me. I have gotten in trouble both for not wearing make up, and for not kissing relatives wearing makeup on the cheek. Now, I can definitely admire the inherent artistry of makeup, but it’s not something I can do because again, it feels gross.

bloganuary, self, writing